[ Blue Man Sings The Whites ]

[ Watch The Birdie, Episode IV - A New Hope (Page 16) ]

With the regular season over in competitive terms, we'll skip through the last couple of games in brisk fashion.

Week 16 sees us entertaining the Rams (3-11) in our last home matchup of the regular season, and sees us 21-7 down at halftime thanks in no small part to your friend and mine, Brian Griese. After three touchdowns and no picks last week, Griese conspires to throw one TD and four interceptions this afternoon, three of those in the second quarter. A locker-room screaming session tightens things up considerably in the second half, but it takes a fumble recovery and ten-yard rumble from man-mountain DT Shaun Rogers to give us the lead late in the 4th. Johnno ends the day with 172 yards on 7 catches including one glorious 39-yard touchdown bomb, Marcel Shipp with two scores among his 16 carries for 66 yards, and we end up with a narrow come-from-behind victory - STL 31-35 ARI

Our final game of the regular season sees us visiting Unimaginatively Named Stadium to play the Houston Is This Honestly The Best Name You Could Come Up Withs (3-12). I internally debate the issue of keeping starters sharp for the postseason for about five seconds, before the mental image of starting a playoff game with Charlie Batch and Brian "Butterfingers" Westbrook at the skill positions flashes before my eyes. When I've stopped screaming, the backups trot out to do battle. Or at least battle-substitute.

Once again we're trailing at the half, with rookie runner Marty Aristegui (that's easy for you to say) carving up our second-string defensive line. In the third quarter, however, Brian Westbrook takes over with a rushing score and not one but two punt-return touchdowns, more than enough to make up for the inevitable fumble he throws in just to keep us on our toes. Jabbar Gaffney gets his second TD catch of the day in the fourth quarter just to maintain something close to interest in the game, but in the end despite a soporific performance from Charlie Batch (18/29 for 221 yards, 1 INT) we do enough to hold the No, Seriously - Texans? off and maintain a little positive momentum into the postseason. ARI 34-24 HOU

-

So. The standings, then. Let's start with a look at our division first, just for giggles.

CARDINALS 15-1
Seahawks 8-8
69ers 7-9
Sheep 4-12

"Let's laugh at St. Louis,
Let's laugh at St. Louis -
Ha-ha haa ha, ha-ha haa ha..."

On to the wider playoff picture. As is traditional, we'll kick off with the AFC:

Colts 12-4*
Marine-Mammals 11-5*
Bengals 10-5-1*
Raiders 9-7*
Bills 10-6
Titans 10-6
---
Chiefs 9-7
Ravens 9-7
Oranges 8-8

*-denotes division winner

Only two teams from last season's AFC playoff field are involved in postseason play this year - the Titans and the Bills. By far the toughest division in the conference was the AFC North, with the Bengals, Ravens, Oranges and Unilogos finishing with 10, 9, 8 and 7 wins respectively. Holding the wooden spoon for the conference is the Unimaginatives with their 3-13 record, although only slightly better were the Jets, who finished 3-12-1. In the Jets' case, the sudden decline can be traced back to a rash of injuries along the o-line and cap mismanagement that saw them go from having two of the best halfbacks in the league in 2004 to having no runners worthy of the name in 2005. The source of the Texans' problems can be traced back to the fact that they suck.

The NFC, then. And what pretty reading it is.

CARDINALS 15-1*
Packers 12-3-1*
Vicks 10-6*
Iggles 10-6*
Indigenous-Persons 9-6-1
Loins 9-7
---
Seahawks 8-8

*-denotes division winner

Yep, it was the Year Of The Tie in the NFL this season - three drawn games being the most since the introduction of sudden-death overtime and, indeed, the most since the dinosaurs got too big and fat and all died (CAUTION! Fact may not be factual). Only six teams finished with more wins than losses in the NFC, partly because we sucked up all the wins like some big victory-hoover. St. Louis (ha-ha haa ha) go from first to worst,  13-3 and first seed in the NFC last season becoming a 4-12 record this. They're joined in the basement by the Carolina Painters (wouldn't that be a great nickname for a team? You could have an ear logo on one side of the helmet, and nothing on the other...), who scored a league-worst 209 points this year, averaging just 13 a game.

The traditional season-end stat review to follow - after these messages from your local station.

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(c) daniel roe 2004